Blog move!

Hi friends!

I moved everything to wordpress. You can read me here:

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New address, same bat content!

Things I Love Thursday - relaxing

It's actually Wednesday as I type this! I thought, to actually deliver on a Thursday, I should start a day ahead of time.

But I'm so tired, so I think I'll just let myself sleep, and write more later...

....
...
...

...aaaaaand look at that, it's nearly 10 pm on Thursday night and I'm just getting back to this.

The past couple of... months! Have been abnormal. But mostly in a really positive and exciting way. There's just far too many things to cram into one post, here's a few highlights that really made me smile from just this week:

♥ Reconnecting with friends for great times and great chats. I made some cool pacts with people, including the very awesome "We will have each other's back" pact. Ugh! Friends are so awesome! I was talking to someone the other night and finally unloading some decisions I was trying to make and I thought "You just GET me! I'm exactly the same way!!" and then I said it out loud because I knew she'd get it. And she did. Because we're exactly the same way about some things, but we're both dealing with our shit and it's awesome to see another perspective of someone dealing with the same garbage I deal with.

♥ Exercising again. Ok, I only did it for two days so far, but it felt amazing to really work my body and get a sweat going. I'm in the middle of trying to decide if I'm going to pursue one. more. race! this "season" (HA! This second year, more like) and just doing a workout DVD and running 4 measly miles really got my excitement up to do something.

♥ Art sales. Society6 had a sale and one of my favorite artists sells his stuff there, so I had a few beers and got down to shopping. Unfortunately the dimensions listed on the site were not accurate to what the print ended up being, so the frame I bought is too small... It's an illustration of the Thin White Duke and it's so beautiful and I am soooo excited to get it on my wall.

♥ Japanese Lantern Festival is happening near me this weekend, and hopefully I'll be out there to watch! Very much looking forward to that.

♥ Tonight I went on a boat ride. Hello relaxing, beautiful time on the water! I feel good when I'm on the water.

♥ The Future. I'm wearing shades because it's so bright!

♥ Frank Turner. He opened for a show I saw and I laughed so hard and danced like a crazy person. Then I ran home and got all his stuff on iTunes because it makes me feel good. I'm so sick of all the music I've been listening to, and this feels like a shouty little breath of fresh air.

♥ Imaginary Shopping. I am starting to "nest" my apartment for the fall & winter. It feels funny, because to start imagining things like a bedframe, or a reading chair (for my dream reading corner!!) makes it feel like I might stick around this place for longer than I thought. I don't need a bedframe or a chair, I just sort of want them and want the atmosphere that they would evoke in my apartment. But everything I want (there's a couple more things) are very expensive, so right now it's all just dreaming and cruising shops to see what is the craziest designs I can find :) Hot pink wingback chair?!?! It's definitely not my aesthetic and I don't want it in my apartment, but I like it in a crazy way.

Here's a few things I DID buy while dream shopping.... Adorable cat measuring spoons and cups, and a lovely trivet! Again, I didn't need fancy ones, and I try not to let my life's happiness be determined by things, but I also believe that if you're going to use kitchen implements anyway, they might as well be ones that give you a little infusion of joy. 

♥ Fresh Veg! Every time I go home to my dads, I eat or bring back some fresh garden vegetables. Tonight I have amazing tomatoes in my late-night chow down and they are just heavenly!

That's about all I can think of right now. I'm getting sleepy. 

Things I love Thursday: early edition

Hello! It's Things I Love Wednesday this week, because there is NO WAY that I'm going to have time to update tomorrow... And that's ok. To tell you the truth I'm writing this on my phone because time at home with my computer is just not a thing right now (Netflix, I miss you!! Haha not really). 

I forgot to make this list last week and to tell you the truth, these past few months have seen me flipping over my phone case several times a day and reading the fortune cookie that I've had there for almost a year. It says,

You will always live in interesting times

And that is no lie, my friends! It's been up, down, and sideways, not just in my own life, but with my friends, relationships, and the whole country (have you looked at the US lately? It's bananas!)

Things I love over the past two weeks include, 

Running as always! I never thought it would come to true love, but it has. 

Naked Nina's Juice Bar. It isn't cheap but to treat myself during this crazy week, I've had two fresh made juice blends and they have been beyond fantastic!! I feel inspired to make my own 😊

I may have complained, but I do love theater time. Working on a show can be a lot of different things, but it's always under the umbrella of an amazing mix of talent, passion, and hard-ass work. 

I love and adore my best friend Lauren. You know those memes where they say you should repost of you have a friend that you don't talk to often, but when you do it's like you were never apart? That's my girl! This week I texted her with "my life is crazy and interesting and I don't know what to do!" and she came back with nearly 2 hours of amazing advice and questions and support. This happens whenever I've got something on my mind 💕

I love the beautiful spring weather!! I've been able to go out and plant in my garden, run trails, run at night or early in the morning, and enjoy every single minute of being outside. Bliss!

Books and Jane Austen. The movie Love & Friendship is in limited release right now and will hopefully come to my city soon... And can you believe I've never actually read Lady Susan?!?! Shocking! Maybe that's why I wasn't let into the Jane Austen meet up group. Well, I'm reading it now because of course I had a copy in my collection. It's funny! And so mean. I'm so so excited reading something new... You only get this experience once, so I savor it. Especially with Austen! 

Wow that's all I can think of right now, my mind is in overdrive :) also I'm typing this whole trying to fold laundry, use toilet, help a friend with stuff, etc. makes it hard to focus hahaha, but I do love my life right now, as crazy and interesting and wild and challenging and rewarding and happy and uncertain though it may be!

Hot Summer Days

Happy Things I Love.... Saturday, I guess! It's only 1:45 in the morning on Saturday, so I'm counting this as Friday since I haven't properly gone to bed yet. I mean, I have gone to bed, and I'm actually writing this in bed, but I took a long nap after work and now I can't sleep properly.

It's stupid. This is how naps ruin lives! But what's not stupid is all the awesome things to love about this week.

City Life! I'm resettled into the city again after a few weeks spent house-sitting in the countryside, and although I love the countryside with all my heart (especially on beautiful summertime days, getting grubby in the dirt and relaxing on the deck) I know that I made the right choice in moving to the cities. Tonight I ran as the sun was going down, then walked the tail end in the dark. It reminded me of being back in Tokushima when I would roam the city at night on my bike (probably because it was so damn hot today).

Summertime. Dirt! Breezes! Blue skies! Birdsong! Patios! Windows down!




Kubo and the Two Strings! Tbh I'm not sure how excited I am about this... I didn't see Boxtrolls yet, which was the last thing this studio put out (it looked amazing). The stop-action animation is gorgeous. I wish there was more shamisen music in the trailer, and less kokyu... Because that kid is carrying a shamisen! A stupid complaint? Maybe, but not if the magical powers of his instrument is the whole point of the movie.

Connections. Lately all sorts of people are coming out of the woodwork... people I haven't spoken to in ages, new friends, passers-by. I wouldn't say I have a strong connection with everybody, but I keep seeing amazing sparks in people, and having a sudden sense of You! Oh yeah you! You get it! Amazing!

Hope your week is going well!

Things I Love Thursday - Quiet Things

Hi friends.

I hope your week is going well.

I wasn't sure how to write this list this week, because I've been so emotionally wrung out. Highs and lows took me on a terrible ride the past 4 days, and left me here tonight, spat out on my couch with dry but burning eyes. My confidence fell apart, my health fell apart, my running fell apart, but I am here now, still loving, still together.

I'm fine, everything is fine, I just need a moment to collect before I can move forward.

I think what I love most this week is quiet moments. I made plans three times for tonight... twice the other person cancelled, and I cancelled the final plan. Sometimes I don't know what's best for me -- no, that's not accurate. I know what's best for me, but I can't always follow through. It's hard to say "The best thing for me is to be home, alone, in my pajamas, without talking to anybody" when so much of my time is spent reaching for the exact opposite.

It's not that I don't love my personal time -- I do, I love my personal time, but knowing when it's really necessary when you're having a rough week can be a challenge. I kept getting in the car, and then getting out and walking back inside, confused and frustrated. I wanted to go somewhere, but I didn't know where. I didn't want to be alone with myself. But I'm glad I'm here now, even if it took a while to get here. I'm glad I said No.

My plants are doing pretty well. I like the atmosphere they make.

I kind of wish my stuffed bear would come to life. That would be pretty great. I would feed him zucchini and popcorn, because that's what I have to eat right now, and he would give me a giant hug and not maul me even a little bit.

We're watching silly shows on Netflix and cutting up T-shirts for arts and crafts. (I love arts and crafts). More popcorn for me, bear!



Oh hey also a big shout-out to my bestie friend Lauren who I love very much and who is is kind and wise, and a shout-out to my sweet lovely boss who lets me change my work schedule on the fly when I have things come up, and props to my manager who brought some A-game to me when I couldn't bring it myself, and love to my bestie friend who cooked for me and said kind things when I was beset by sadness, and extra hugs to Purrsia the beautiful sweet kitty. 

Also I love the rain.

(except I lost both my umbrellas... that was something I found out at the exact wrong moment).

(Love you anyway, rain).

Meetnope

I got rejected from a meet-up group earlier this week.

I got rejected from a Jane Austen meet-up group earlier this week.

Couldn't believe it.

JANE AUSTEN.

I was part hurt, part bemused, and part baffled. I'm definitely not the biggest Austen nerd around, but I'd have to say I'm a pretty goddamn big Austen nerd. I thought I had made that relatively clear.

Not being in the club, aayyyyy, I'm pretty OK with that now. If I'm not good enough to talk about Jane Austen with them, well, I probably don't want to anyway. But it was surprising.

And in a weird way, relieving.

A while ago I read that book about being amongst Janeites. Although I enjoyed it, it gave me some unease. Sometimes, I really like being around people who are the same nerd as me. Recently, I talked with someone who had a similar point of reference when it came to the media we grew up with. Instantly I was talking excitedly about old shows we used to watch, and stories we loved, and I felt that heady excitement that I used to feel when I was young. It was a kind of excitement that I rarely experience anymore... not for things I love today, and not for things I used to love. Sometimes, though, that excitement stops there. You can only swoon so many times over the same thing.

Sometimes, I prefer to talk to people who are nerds completely different from me. Recently, I talked with someone who was so nerdy that I had to say "I don't know what that is," and "I don't have the vocabulary to describe it to you." (I was trying to describe about a musical instrument that I knew and they didn't, but they speak music fluently and I don't, so our language was getting crossed and it was getting quite confused). And THAT got me all excited because sometimes, listening to someone else get excited about nerdy stuff they love is just as good as nerding out yourself.


With someone who is the same, I worry that I won't move forward. With someone who is different, I worry that I can't keep up. So I'm not sure if I even wanted to meet with the Austen meet-up people or not, in the end! Maybe it would have been fun for one or two times. Maybe I would have made some friends. Maybe we would have had tea and crumpets, or maybe not and I would have been disappointed. I'm not really hurt by the rejection after all. Even without a group, I still have Austen, and that's the thing I'm really here for.

Warm-up

I'm writing this as my warm-up to actual writing... hopefully it doesn't turn out to be too self-indulgent! But I want to get my fingers moving, and I am actually going to talk about writing and books and... sort of a follow-up to this week's Things I Love Thursday.

So here we are, or more to the point, here I am. On a couch, alone. There are two cats here with me, but they have claimed the chairs and left me to sprawl my giant human body on the love seat. Ha! Love seat. I love it here.

I'm far out in the country-side, and that's pretty far out, man.

Not a few moments ago, I was in the kitchen, getting my purse on, ready to head out the door. I would have driven to the city, stopped at my apartment, changed into a sparkly purple dress that rarely sees the light of day. Then I would have walked to the light rail, then ridden into Minneapolis for the all-night street and dance party for Prince.

I don't know why I would have done all that. I felt oddly compelled. But I couldn't figure out the reasons.

I started to get confused. What was my motivation? It wasn't to see anyone, I was going alone, telling no-one. I don't especially like crowds and dance parties, although I have enjoyed them in the past, going is always a gamble. I have to work very early tomorrow morning. It will take at least an hour to get to the venue. And, I'm sorry, Prince, but I wasn't the world's biggest fan. Of course I like you and your music, but I wasn't an especial fan. I am just an ordinary enjoyer of your music.

So, still confused, I took off my purse and left it on the floor. I stayed home.

What is this compulsion? I've been feeling it all afternoon, in that space of hearing of the death of a creative and wild person. I want my life to be vital and meaningful, even in a small way.

I think it's the compulsion to create.

My art supplies are at my apartment. My music is there too, and pianos are out of my reach at the moment. I can draw anywhere. I can write anywhere.

I can write here. I can write right now. I can write those things that I wrote two years ago, when I wrote 124 pages of rubbish, and 15 pages of gold. I guess how that's how long it takes to really warm up.

Lately, I picked up The Writer's Tale, which is a book that you'll hear me bang on about with glee, if you just wait around long enough. (I told you there was going to be a bit about books in this entry!) It may seem silly at this juncture, but although I'm not a writer in my blood, I'm inspired to write from time to time. I always thought that writers have a story inside them that is clawing to get out, but maybe that's not the case.

We have characters. And I do have a story, it's the story that I write for myself. I narrate my own life in my head, I have imaginary conversations and construct situations and events that may or may not come to pass... some of them my ideal happy ending, some of them horrifying and dramatic. Almost none of them come to pass, and I think sometimes I get so caught up in what I imagine should happen that I forget to give reality a chance... or I try to live life according to my imaginary script. You can guess how well that goes, I think.

The compulsion to do something, make all this exist somewhere other than inside my head.

Well, I think that's enough. Off I go.

Things I Love Thursday - Life

Today on the radio I heard someone say "Don't pass up the opportunity [to see someone] because you don't know if it will be your last chance".

This week has been a continuation on the theme of up and down. Always I get to choose, how will I be today? What do I want for myself?

I thought about that yesterday. I wrote about it in a letter to a celebrity, my first ever fan mail. What do we choose? What do we make?

What do I love?

What do you love?

I love my best friend.

I love cats.

I love being alive.

I love my creative writing.

I love playing the piano.

I love feeling cared for.

I love feeling protected.

I love pudding.

I love cupcakes.

I love my curly hair.

I love my potential.

Finishing

Today I finished two books.

It's the first time in a while that I've had the time and space to just... sit... and read.

I finished The Silence of the Lambs, and The Pursuit of Alice Thrift. 

Silence was good! I somehow got it in my brain that it would be more... difficult? And intellectual a book than it actually was. Perhaps because they made a film, and it became somewhat classic, and that gave me the impression. Silly impression -- it's a pulpy book. I liked it because it was a quick, interesting read, and it also sent me to Google to look up some of the 80's pop culture and technology references that I didn't understand.

Alice Thrift was good, but I didn't quite understand it. Of course I thought that Ray was a shady character the whole time, but in a weird way, I wanted him to be less shallow about being shady. He diagnosed and cured Alice, briefly, of being incredibly lonely. If he was a villain, I wanted him to be super evil. Instead he was defeated in maybe 10 pages. I liked that Alice was basically a robot who didn't understand people. I liked that Ray helped her out, even if he was a shyster. But what was it supposed to be? A cautionary tale? I was sort of confused about what I should take away from the whole thing.

And now, I've read two of the three books that I brought along with me, and I need new material.

Things I Love Thursday: Tiny Vacation Edition

I'm writing to you from a house on the river, curled up on the couch with a fluffy cat and a cold glass of water. I'm ready for sleep and it feels so good.

How are you doing? Are you happy? Are you comfortable? Are you calm?

I love the following things...


I love being 30. I wrote the other day to a friend about turning 30, and what it has meant over the past month. I wrote about how good it felt. I wrote about how strong I felt as a person. You might laugh, or think that a number is just a number, and it is. However, it's changed my mindset. I feel like I know myself better. I feel like I deserve more. And I feel like that's attainable for me. As a child, I never imagined what it would be like to be 30, and now, here I am. It's like being a new person.

I love my apartment. It's coming together, piece by piece. I'm comfortable there. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel proud. I'm glad I got it.

That said, I love.... housesitting!! I'm in my all-time favorite housesitting location this next two weeks, watching over two very different but equally lovable kitties, enjoying the beautiful view of the river, and having the chance to visit home to help out a little more often.

Little Free Libraries. I got The Silence of the Lambs the other day and I'm already a quarter of the way through. Sooooo good! Thank you, Little Free Libraries!! Do you have one? Would you like one? You can do it! Spread the book love!

Glam Doll Donuts. Ugh, so delicious...

Quiche!! YUM. Is everything about food? Yes. Yes it is.

My strong legs. I had a small injury, and today I went out running... and it felt good. I missed running. I love running. I love how it feels. I miss it when it's gone. Thank you, legs. Thank you thank you thank you.

Cozy beds! The bed I sleep on tonight has a memory foam topper, mmmmmmm. My bed is pretty great, but I think it needs a topper of some kind to make it perfect and magical.

SWANK DREAMS. Last night, I had the same dream twice in a row. I woke up twice, and thought, "Oh, was it a dream?" and decided that it wasn't a dream. It must be true. It was about reading a very long email/text from someone. I read it twice. I still remember what it said. Then in the morning, I found that it WAS totally a dream... :/ uh... okay. Hunh?!?!?! What does that even mean?!??!?? OH WELL. 

Have you had any bogus dreams lately? I hope so. It's fun!

love love love

Things I Love Thursday

Ah...

...did you miss it?

...it's Thursday, remember?

Here are some things.

I think I made a new friend. Or at least, someone I can talk to, when I'm by myself. Let's say, acquaintance. That's nice!

Today I ran in the rain, and was very wet and cold and it was hard to stay focused and positive. But with 1.5 miles to go, I saw a double rainbow!

I got a cupcake!

The last time I was at home, I picked up one of my favorite romance comics. Swoon, swoon. Such a good story.

I paid some bills. I guess this makes me a real person now!

Letters came in my post-box that were from friends! Thank you, friends! There is nothing that I love more than getting a letter or a postcard or a funny note from someone.

Ah Thursday...

...the end of March...

Journals

aka Why Journals Are Important.

I've journaled for most of my life. Kept a diary, kept a notebook, kept whatever. In high school I stopped, because I had LiveJournal, and also I passed a lot of notes to my best friend, so that took care of a lot of the need to get things out.

In college I picked up again, probably because I had more secrets and needed more privacy. And that's continued for the past 12 years.


Right now I have a main journal, and I recently started 3 (holy shit!) new ones, to take care of various and specific writing needs in my life. The sensation of them is important to me. I chose them carefully. I have a little mini pocket one that rides in my purse, a Composition notebook that cruises through life on my table and couch (used for... well, what you might expect, if you have a mind like mine), and a little hardbound book that sits next to my bed. Plus my main, which tends to occupy all parts of life.

Yesterday I was idly flipping back through my main, thinking about going back to a journal from 17 years ago, because I had something I wanted to check, and possibly show someone.

Some things caught my eye, and I started reading my words from last March and April, thinking about things I had written recently. Thinking about my mood at this time, a year later.


This is why journals are so important.


Almost a year ago, but still, less than a year ago, I wasn't... happy, not happy as could be, but I was reasonably happy. I had some hopes and expectations. I was unburdened by a lot of the things that trouble me almost daily now. Sure, I had my own troubles and worries last year, but also, last year, someone held me in their arms and made me feel OK.

I flipped back another year, to 2014, and found myself even happier.


This is why journals are so important.


I've been wallowing in this mess now, not for a long time, but for a deep time. But I've only had this stone in my heart for a year. Less than a year. It's just so heavy that it distorts time, it warps my perception of my happiness, and my ability to be happy, and how life has really gone.

It's only been a year since having real emotions. It's only been two years since being freely happy. In the grand scheme of things, look how much changed in a year! How can I say "Life is awful, I'm always sad and lonely!" when I have my own written proof that it isn't, it's only been awful recently?


It's important to remember how things really went.


It's important to remember, also, the good that hadn't yet happened. The good that maybe got overlooked. Last-year me hadn't run a marathon yet. She wasn't even training. Hell, I don't think she even had the idea for it back in April. She didn't have her own apartment. She wasn't dreaming of Ultras. She hadn't yet read The Library At Mount Char, or any number of other excellent books.

She had shit ahead of her, but also good things. She just couldn't see any of it, and eventually, I couldn't see the half of it.

Even if my journal from a year ago is just my perspective, and may not be the truth of things, that's not what matters. Life happens to me, and I have to allow it to be mine. My life happens to me, and my perspective is the only one I can trust. Even imperfect. Even wearing rose-colored glasses. Even carrying stones.

And last-year me saw the world as a hopeful place. So maybe next-year me will too.

Thing I Love Thursday

Just one thing this week, and you'll soon see why: I love my bed. I am typing this to you from my bed, having just tumbled into it after a long couple of days. I have more long days ahead of me, and I am so happy and grateful for my soft and cozy bed, and the sweet sleep that is about to occur. My feet and burning, my legs kill, my back aches, and my mind is shot... And my bed is here to hold me still. Thank you bed!!

Imaginary Day

Tomorrow is February 29, the imaginary day. The extra day in our year.

An extra day! It's like a bonus life. How will I spend mine? How will you spend yours?

I know I'll be at work, but I also think... in a way, anything you do tomorrow doesn't count. It's extra day. The day for life in the margins, where you can scribble up a new fantasy and try on a new hat.

Today I have a terrible headache. Maybe tomorrow, I'll be a person without a headache.

I'm trying to read my own cramped marginalia, and figure out who I am and who I want to become and how I'm going to get there. I've pushed a lot of my self to the side and become new people over the years, new people for other people.

Imaginary day is for editing. Don't edit yourself, be yourself fully, but edit your life a little bit. Pick the things that work. Let go of the things that don't.

Nothing counts on bonus day, so I'm going to eat two cupcakes.

Things I Love Thursday - Changes

Heigh-ho! It's another beautiful Thursday morning... actually it's gray and cloudy, but I love gray and cloudy weather, and also, I work the night shift so I got to wake up naturally (at 7 am on the dot! As usual!) Bliss!

I keep thinking I'll update this blog with other stuff during the week, and I always forget, but that's ok. If it turns into just a gratitude blog instead of being about books, or what have you, that's alright! A library has a varied set of contents, doesn't it.

This week has been a bit of a wild one. I went to something yesterday and was thinking, Man, has only a week passed? Not two? The change that I felt between yesterday, and last week Wednesday, was incredible! Sometimes days feel like two days, but in a good way. I'm feeling like a new forming person, and I'm not entirely sure why, but I embrace it.

Let's talk turkey...

♥ Wicked deals on craigslist. I bought some tables on craigslist, for $5 each! And they are perfect size and shape for what I was wanting. And I didn't get lured into a creepy basement and chopped into bite-sized pieces! VIVA!!

♥ Perfect knitting. I'm making a knitting project right now, and I modified the project into one giant round because I didn't feel like making panels and sewing them together, and I also added an extra panel because it made for 7, a lucky number, and it turns out that one skein of yarn makes EXACTLY two workings of the pattern. It's precision at its finest. I also picked up some...

♥ New library books! One is about knitting rugs and they look SO GOOD, I'm going to take pictures of the instructions and make myself some badass rugs! Oh man what a cool idea!

♥ Newly activated library card! Did you know that often times neighboring county systems will allow you to link your library card to the adjacent library system, using computers and witchcraft? My library card now works in THREE different counties, and I can return books in any county, and it's pure magic! So many books available to me!! It's awesome because the county where I live is really... white. And not especially diverse in any other area, either. So the books on offer are of a certain type -- not a bad thing, but not a great thing either. I understand, you know, budgets and stuff. But after years of visiting the same libraries, it's time to move on.

♥ New old books. I found an early book written by my favorite romance novelist. Soon I'll have read everything she's written... I like reading things in semi-reverse order if there is no chronology involved, because you can see how themes or conventions in later books were in the developing stages in a person's earlier works. Also, book I haven't read yet! New book!

♥ Relaxing. I was able to relax once this week. It was nice. I also ate a lot of fries from places I'd never been to before, and that made me very happy indeed. It was nice to let go a little bit and not feel anxious about it.

That's all for me, friends! Come back to yourself if you left the building, give yourself a hug, and remember the things that give you joy.

Byeeeeee!

Things I Love Thursday: SPRING!

Let's start!

I love...

♥ SPRING! Is it here? I don't know! But from the next hour, it's going to be above 32, and well into the 40's, and staying that way for the next week! I can't argue with that, because...

♥ Running training begins! Oh boy, oh man. I last started my marathon training from this exact physical location, but such a different mental state. I can't tell if I'm in a better or worse place (both?), I'm definitely more prepared to begin... and yet...

♥ I'm uncertain; about my running, about my future, about my ability to be ok. And that's ok. I read something this morning about the disease of certainty and demanding certainty, and how allowing and embracing uncertainty will serve you more in life and happiness. That speaks to me in a weird way. I dislike the dichotomy of how you sometimes have to solve problems: Oh, you need security and certainty in your life? Well feel MORE insecure and uncertain, so that you can embrace the things that make you feel awful and anxious. But it's true... My genius friend and inspiration told us years and years ago to "Embrace the awkward!" and that holds true every day from now on out. Awwww, buddy!!

♥ Working out and watching Doctor Who. It seems like no matter if I work out in the morning, or when I get home after a late shift, Doctor Who is on the BBC exactly when I need it. Working out makes me feel awesome, and so does the Doctor. Today's workout episode is "Midnight", one of the really spooky psychological thriller episodes (so fucking creepy). I love the Doctor.

♥ NEW APARTMENT!! I'm so happy I can finally officially say this... It's the one thing I can say with certainty (haha). Yesterday I signed a lease, on lucky 17, to move in March 1, which is my birthday month and beautiful spring and all sorts of other great things!! I'm drafting up lists and plans and looking at home design books... it's such a good and happy adventure for me. Yesterday someone told me that some of her her happiest life times were living alone and being completely free, but she perhaps didn't realize it at the time.
I'm so thrilled to be going off on my own. It's been overdue for a long time now. I can't wait to transform my life and my own space, exactly as I please!

♥ Microbreaks. Over the weekend and for the beginning of the week, I deactivated my Facebook account and deleted a pile of apps from my phone. I've also deleted or unfollowed old messages, contacts, and other things that suck my time or don't make me feel good. I'm back on FB again (ahahah what can you do) because I had to connect with a theater group for scheduling, but it was so good for those days that I was off. I need to step back from pouring my energy down black holes. If you feel overwhelmed or just... crappy, take a break! Clear out some emotional and technological clutter. You don't have to disengage, but maybe engage with someone in real life instead. I would stare at Facebook, bored and alone, and wish I could talk to people, but the thought of calling them was weird. What would I say?

"Hey, talk to me?"
"About what, dude?"
"I dunno... about stuff?"
[awkward silence]

Oh wait, what's that thing we should do? Embrace the awkward??

Ahahahaha yesssssss...

♥  DUDE I love toasted raisin bread with real butter. Hello breakfast bliss!!

♥ Warm socks ♥ Cats sleeping on me ♥ Friends with jokes ♥ Clever people ♥ Running club Weekend plans ♥ Ice cold glasses of water with lemon ♥ My jasmine plant (it's beautiful like me!) ♥  Free books ♥ Library books ♥ Warm sheets ♥ Nicebear ♥ Waking up naturally ♥ 

Things I Love Thursday: Valentine's Week

I've got to be honest... I'm a little bit sick of hearing about Valentine's Day, AntiValentine's Day, and everything in between.

But I still feel the love!! I DO still love you! More than just this week, you know!

Here's what else I love this week:

♥ My Friends, who are more wonderful than anything else in the whole wide world.

♥ Working out ...Still going strong! I'm starting to see tiny abs, even! Again, allow me to be vain for just a moment...

♥ Sunshine when it's cold. Sure it's a LIE, but it makes the world feel a little less painfully frozen.

♥ Doctor Who the Donna season always being on BBC when I'm working out. So good. So well written. So painful and wonderful. Donna always makes me cry and my throat close up.

♥  Getting an apartment?? GETTING AN APARTMENT!! I haven't signed the lease yet but I'm sooooo close!

♥ Having tomorrow off work. What to do? Go to the library? Do some dancing? Pride & Prejudice & Zombies? Cooking? Endless possibilities!! (Actually, I'm probably going to go home and start tidying/packing/throwing away my stuff, and then squeeze something else into the afternoon).

♥  The promise of SPRING! This weekend is going to SUCK, but it's going to be so much warmer starting next week. My marathon training starts next Wednesday. Can't wait to run without feeling so cold!!

♥  Sleeping in! I pulled almost all closing shifts this week... waking up naturally (even at 7:30!) is a luxury that I really treasure. I feel much less worn-out and stressed in the mornings.

♥ Food because FOOD.



I hope that whatever you're doing this week or this weekend, that you have a nice time. Maybe be alone for a while. Maybe be with someone you love. Maybe do both! Maybe love yourself. Maybe eat something delicious, pop a chocolate, take some extra sleep. Maybe cry. Maybe reach out to someone who is crying. Maybe reach out for help. Maybe take a step back from everything. Maybe take a step forward towards something. Maybe hide under the covers and wait for it all to go away.

♥  Be kind to yourself! ♥ 

Things I Love Thursday, Winter Edition

I'm kind of like a love pig, because I'm lovable and wearing pink :)

Happy Thursday, pals!!

This week, nay, this month (and by that I mean everything since 2016 began!) has been a rollercoaster in more ways than I could have ever imagined. How are you holding up? Are things going well? I truly hope so!!

Did you know, the last time I did TiLT, I was in the same situation I am now: housesitting, rocked-but-hopeful, and with great hair. HaHAAAA!!!

This is what's lighting my fire so far in 2016:

♥ Can I still say great hair? I still have great hair. Allow me to be vain for a moment. 

♥ Apartment shopping. Just kidding, I am beginning to LOATH apartment shopping. It's taking ages, is full of rejection and misleading craigslist ads, and is SO EXPENSIVE. But what makes me happy about it is that I am refining my process, and really honing in on what it is that I want from my apartment by honing in on what kind of LIFE I want to live in this imaginary apartment... and that is pretty awesome. I'm thinking more and more about who I want to be and what kind of life I want to live, and no, I won't settle for any old digs that doesn't reflect that! (But I will compromise, because I'm practical! And getting slightly desperate)

♥ Spontaneous happy plans. Someone just texted me and said "Do you want to bake cookies tonight?" DO I?!?!  YES I DO!! Especially awesome since it's going to come on the heels of an apartment showing that has me both excited and nervous (see: vague and potentially misleading Craigslist ads). 

♥ Speaking of my friends, MY FRIENDS!!! Make me so unspeakably happy!! The other day I was talking with a friend and they were talking about how happy they were in life and what an amazing uptick they've had in life and happiness, and I was just so overwhelmed and bursting with joy for them and all I could do was blurt out "I love you!!!" like a huge dork. Ahahahahahaha! I love my friends so much, though, it's true!! See: rad stuff my friends have done recently:

• Sent me a list of amazing, thoughtful discussion questions about life so that I could process a difficult situation, instead of just telling me what to do. So helpful and really changed my approach!! ♥
• Given me a spontaneous gift, just because it reminded me of them. Now wearing it reminds me of you! ♥
• Sent sweet Christmas and New Year's greetings ♥ (I am SO SORRY I am still sending out my own cards... I'm awful at this)
• Cooked for me ♥
• Signed up to run races with me (I'm looking forward to seeing SO MANY friends this running season!)
• Told me silly, clever, and/or inappropriate jokes ♥
• Talked to me when I was sad, patted my head when I cried, and helped push me towards help ♥
• Shared things that made you think, laugh, or feel something. This includes the news that SMAP broke up. I'm sorry James. ♥

♥ Running Oh my goodness running... And working out in general makes me feel both physically and emotionally happy! It freaks the dog and cat out when I'm working out in the living room and breathing really hard, but it's meditative to me! I also love running club, because I get to go outside and chat with folks while taking a nice trot around the city. Last night we ran past places that smelled of PIZZA, WARM DONUTS, and CHICKEN. 

♥ My new job! I work one day a week as an archival assistant now, and I loooooooove it! I do so many different things every day, I'm learning heaps, and everyone is incredibly nice. Plus I get to listen to Classical NPR all day long, hooray!

♥ Shopping. I went to Express the other day to buy this shirt:

because I wanted something funny to wear for the 5K I'm running on ♥ Valentine's Day ♥. When I was in there, I saw this shirt and had to grab it too:

I used to hear a lot that I don't talk very much, or that I don't give away much of my self or my secrets, and that's basically true... because I am not especially close to many people and don't trust many people with my full self. But... when I do trust someone fully and completely... there is no filter. ♥ If you think insane crap comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, just multiply that by 5 and remove some boundaries and social norms :) This is the perfect shirt for me. (Photo shot with the iPhone Transfer filter, because everybody looks better under Transfer) (See, I would never lie to you).

♥ Sirens on Netflix. Have you guys watched Sirens? It's a sit-com about ambulance drivers and it's soooo good. It's snappy and funny and has the requisite host of stereotypical characters, but also is occasionally thoughtful and almost profound. Not in a deep "We are all going to die someday" way, but in more day-to-day life. It also doesn't drag the amusing situations into grotesque and implausible awkwardness just to force a laugh, which I appreciate. 

♥ Doctor Who! I always love Doctor Who, of course, but today I switched it on when I was on the treadmill and BBCAmerica happened to be showing Blink, and a great Jack Harkness episode (classic Russell T. Davies) and I remembered how great Martha is. 

PHEW that's a pretty good list of happy stuff for 2016, don't you think? 

Don't forget to think about what you love and what makes you happy. 

If nothing makes you happy, here is a hilarious joke for all you nerds out there:

BOOM

Punxsutawney Mom

The groundhog didn't see his shadow this year! Early spring is coming!

Well, with global warming, that's to be expected, isn't it?

This year, I didn't see my shadow. And I'm basically a groundhog, you know? Roly-poly, cuddly, adorable, likes to burrow, a brunette.



I also didn't see my mom's shadow.

17 years ago, Groundhog's Day, is the day my mom died.

I don't think about her too much on a day to day basis, but I always think about her in late January and early February. And for a long time, I worried about what she would be thinking of me. Would she be proud of the things I was doing? Would she think less of me, for some of my less-laudable choices? Would she recognize me, if indeed my fantasy that she was not actually dead came true, and she came back from whatever secret base she had been hiding on for the past decade and a half?

Obviously she would be proud, and she would recognize me, and she would forgive me my wrongs, because she is my parent and that's what parents do, and it's a silly thing to worry about because... it'll never come true. The worry never guided my actions in the moment, it was only after, when I was maudlin, when I was approaching that gray day in February. It's just the want to be able to talk to someone, but they're not answering your texts. Except forever.

And just like waiting around for your friend or lover or important person to text you back, it can drive you absolutely mental if you let it.

Anyway, this year, I didn't feel that. I didn't feel the shadow of my parent.

On one hand, I'm a little uncomfortable about that. Shouldn't I remember her more?

On the other hand, I'm ok with, you know, not worrying about it.

Obviously I wish she wasn't dead, and I wish I knew her, but I'm releasing myself, over the years, from being sad about it.

I'm releasing myself from connecting my self-worth to what other people living or dead, might think about me. Instead, I remember people and interact with them with love, from a place of confidence. I want to remember the times when we were happy. I want other people to influence me, but not create me.

This morning before I went on my run, I was texting a friend who advised me to stop running away from my problems and face them. I said that I had, and you could see it on my workout calendar. I had written "Congrats you're not sad anymore" in the margins a few weeks ago. He said that I must now be running towards something amazing (in which case I should stop texting and go run already). I think that's the case. It's a small thing, but to wake up today and not feel sad... it indicates to me that from this year, I am now running to, not from. Not just specific random hurts, but in general. In my whole life. I'm moving forward.

It's not that I've been non-stop sad for the past 17 years, but it's been a largely unresolved issue that has colored a lot of my relationships, connections/disconnects, and abilities to do human interactions and stuff. To release even one more part of that is a joy.



If you've lost someone, it's terrible for a long time. There is a shadow on you, and winter in a part of you. Maybe you'll let it influence you too much. Maybe you'll lock it all away. Maybe you bleed it all out.

I hope it gets better for you. It takes time. Even if you think you've got it figured out, you probably don't, and it takes even more time. Don't worry too much. It's going to be ok. I'm rooting for you.

Jade Dragon Mountain

Here's the other book I'm reading this January!

I picked it up on a whim -- I think it was on a New Fiction display or something (aka a great place to do your book shopping). It's a who-dunnit mystery about a Jesuit priest who gets done in right before the Emperor is going to make a big eclipse display. The hero is an exiled librarian who also loves truth and justice (of course! He's a librarian after all). The characters aren't all that gripping, or even really distinguishable from one another. The author doesn't employ much in the way of "Chinese flavor" or stereotypes in order to color the story, which is nice. It's also interesting to learn about the Jesuit presence in China, which is something I must admit I knew nothing about. 

Worth checking out,

Among the Janeites, aka the NERDS

Happy New Year!

In December, I thought it would be nice to keep track of all the books I read for a year. I think this every year, and I always forget to do it. I finished a few books in January that I started in 2015, but I already forgot them... oh boy. 

I'm ok with failing this early.

The best thing I've read so far this year is Among The Janeites, which takes a look at Janeites, that is, people who are obsessed with Jane Austen. Am I one of those people?

You bet I am. 

I love Jane Austen. I honestly don't know why I was not a member of JASNA (Jane Austen Society of North America) before reading this book. Shame on me. 

This book is fantastic, because it visits so many different facets of Jane Austen fandom. There are the people who dress up (having researched period dress in excruciating detail), who are scholars, who are radical theorists, who are swooning Colin Firth fans, who are writers, readers, old, young, the errant male fan, and everything in between. The bit about the husband-wife scholars who present history and theory as a comedy duo was hilarious and also contained extremely insightful literary criticism. It talks about reading Austen through her contemporary lens, modern feminist lens, historical lens, and so on. All with accessible language and amusing anecdotes. 

The author is trying to walk this strange line where she encounters the various Jane Austen fanatics as an outside observer (a sense of "Look at these strange and obsessive people, how amazing!) when in fact, she also loves Jane Austen in her own way (giving the sense of an eager neophyte at the knee of knowledgable and passionate Masters). The second sense works wonderfully and draws me right into the book, but when I get the sense of the author being a raised-eyebrow tourist in someone else's nerdy obsession, I'm really turned off. 

You're a nerd! Get over it. It's one thing to call someone a nerd with affection, to recognize and see someone's passion and honest, unfettered enjoyment in something and to delight in their happiness also. Even if it's not your thing. It's another thing to call someone a nerd with a sense of recoiling or dismissiveness when someone is "too much" into their chosen nerd-dom. I think the author tried to be pretty careful, and even when she talks about the really obsessive people there is a sense of fascination, but sometimes she really shows them as "others" rather than "fellows". 

Guys, I love Jane Austen. I 100% want to dress up in period costume. I love being a nerd about lots of different things. I love being happy and excited about things that make me happy and excited. And I love when other people share things with me that make them happy and excited. 

I hope that you, reading this, are a nerd. I hope you have something that you really love, and that you let yourself get really excited about it and that you don't feel bad about loving what you love. 

I hope you read some good books and have good times in 2016.