Imaginary Day

Tomorrow is February 29, the imaginary day. The extra day in our year.

An extra day! It's like a bonus life. How will I spend mine? How will you spend yours?

I know I'll be at work, but I also think... in a way, anything you do tomorrow doesn't count. It's extra day. The day for life in the margins, where you can scribble up a new fantasy and try on a new hat.

Today I have a terrible headache. Maybe tomorrow, I'll be a person without a headache.

I'm trying to read my own cramped marginalia, and figure out who I am and who I want to become and how I'm going to get there. I've pushed a lot of my self to the side and become new people over the years, new people for other people.

Imaginary day is for editing. Don't edit yourself, be yourself fully, but edit your life a little bit. Pick the things that work. Let go of the things that don't.

Nothing counts on bonus day, so I'm going to eat two cupcakes.

Things I Love Thursday - Changes

Heigh-ho! It's another beautiful Thursday morning... actually it's gray and cloudy, but I love gray and cloudy weather, and also, I work the night shift so I got to wake up naturally (at 7 am on the dot! As usual!) Bliss!

I keep thinking I'll update this blog with other stuff during the week, and I always forget, but that's ok. If it turns into just a gratitude blog instead of being about books, or what have you, that's alright! A library has a varied set of contents, doesn't it.

This week has been a bit of a wild one. I went to something yesterday and was thinking, Man, has only a week passed? Not two? The change that I felt between yesterday, and last week Wednesday, was incredible! Sometimes days feel like two days, but in a good way. I'm feeling like a new forming person, and I'm not entirely sure why, but I embrace it.

Let's talk turkey...

♥ Wicked deals on craigslist. I bought some tables on craigslist, for $5 each! And they are perfect size and shape for what I was wanting. And I didn't get lured into a creepy basement and chopped into bite-sized pieces! VIVA!!

♥ Perfect knitting. I'm making a knitting project right now, and I modified the project into one giant round because I didn't feel like making panels and sewing them together, and I also added an extra panel because it made for 7, a lucky number, and it turns out that one skein of yarn makes EXACTLY two workings of the pattern. It's precision at its finest. I also picked up some...

♥ New library books! One is about knitting rugs and they look SO GOOD, I'm going to take pictures of the instructions and make myself some badass rugs! Oh man what a cool idea!

♥ Newly activated library card! Did you know that often times neighboring county systems will allow you to link your library card to the adjacent library system, using computers and witchcraft? My library card now works in THREE different counties, and I can return books in any county, and it's pure magic! So many books available to me!! It's awesome because the county where I live is really... white. And not especially diverse in any other area, either. So the books on offer are of a certain type -- not a bad thing, but not a great thing either. I understand, you know, budgets and stuff. But after years of visiting the same libraries, it's time to move on.

♥ New old books. I found an early book written by my favorite romance novelist. Soon I'll have read everything she's written... I like reading things in semi-reverse order if there is no chronology involved, because you can see how themes or conventions in later books were in the developing stages in a person's earlier works. Also, book I haven't read yet! New book!

♥ Relaxing. I was able to relax once this week. It was nice. I also ate a lot of fries from places I'd never been to before, and that made me very happy indeed. It was nice to let go a little bit and not feel anxious about it.

That's all for me, friends! Come back to yourself if you left the building, give yourself a hug, and remember the things that give you joy.

Byeeeeee!

Things I Love Thursday: SPRING!

Let's start!

I love...

♥ SPRING! Is it here? I don't know! But from the next hour, it's going to be above 32, and well into the 40's, and staying that way for the next week! I can't argue with that, because...

♥ Running training begins! Oh boy, oh man. I last started my marathon training from this exact physical location, but such a different mental state. I can't tell if I'm in a better or worse place (both?), I'm definitely more prepared to begin... and yet...

♥ I'm uncertain; about my running, about my future, about my ability to be ok. And that's ok. I read something this morning about the disease of certainty and demanding certainty, and how allowing and embracing uncertainty will serve you more in life and happiness. That speaks to me in a weird way. I dislike the dichotomy of how you sometimes have to solve problems: Oh, you need security and certainty in your life? Well feel MORE insecure and uncertain, so that you can embrace the things that make you feel awful and anxious. But it's true... My genius friend and inspiration told us years and years ago to "Embrace the awkward!" and that holds true every day from now on out. Awwww, buddy!!

♥ Working out and watching Doctor Who. It seems like no matter if I work out in the morning, or when I get home after a late shift, Doctor Who is on the BBC exactly when I need it. Working out makes me feel awesome, and so does the Doctor. Today's workout episode is "Midnight", one of the really spooky psychological thriller episodes (so fucking creepy). I love the Doctor.

♥ NEW APARTMENT!! I'm so happy I can finally officially say this... It's the one thing I can say with certainty (haha). Yesterday I signed a lease, on lucky 17, to move in March 1, which is my birthday month and beautiful spring and all sorts of other great things!! I'm drafting up lists and plans and looking at home design books... it's such a good and happy adventure for me. Yesterday someone told me that some of her her happiest life times were living alone and being completely free, but she perhaps didn't realize it at the time.
I'm so thrilled to be going off on my own. It's been overdue for a long time now. I can't wait to transform my life and my own space, exactly as I please!

♥ Microbreaks. Over the weekend and for the beginning of the week, I deactivated my Facebook account and deleted a pile of apps from my phone. I've also deleted or unfollowed old messages, contacts, and other things that suck my time or don't make me feel good. I'm back on FB again (ahahah what can you do) because I had to connect with a theater group for scheduling, but it was so good for those days that I was off. I need to step back from pouring my energy down black holes. If you feel overwhelmed or just... crappy, take a break! Clear out some emotional and technological clutter. You don't have to disengage, but maybe engage with someone in real life instead. I would stare at Facebook, bored and alone, and wish I could talk to people, but the thought of calling them was weird. What would I say?

"Hey, talk to me?"
"About what, dude?"
"I dunno... about stuff?"
[awkward silence]

Oh wait, what's that thing we should do? Embrace the awkward??

Ahahahaha yesssssss...

♥  DUDE I love toasted raisin bread with real butter. Hello breakfast bliss!!

♥ Warm socks ♥ Cats sleeping on me ♥ Friends with jokes ♥ Clever people ♥ Running club Weekend plans ♥ Ice cold glasses of water with lemon ♥ My jasmine plant (it's beautiful like me!) ♥  Free books ♥ Library books ♥ Warm sheets ♥ Nicebear ♥ Waking up naturally ♥ 

Things I Love Thursday: Valentine's Week

I've got to be honest... I'm a little bit sick of hearing about Valentine's Day, AntiValentine's Day, and everything in between.

But I still feel the love!! I DO still love you! More than just this week, you know!

Here's what else I love this week:

♥ My Friends, who are more wonderful than anything else in the whole wide world.

♥ Working out ...Still going strong! I'm starting to see tiny abs, even! Again, allow me to be vain for just a moment...

♥ Sunshine when it's cold. Sure it's a LIE, but it makes the world feel a little less painfully frozen.

♥ Doctor Who the Donna season always being on BBC when I'm working out. So good. So well written. So painful and wonderful. Donna always makes me cry and my throat close up.

♥  Getting an apartment?? GETTING AN APARTMENT!! I haven't signed the lease yet but I'm sooooo close!

♥ Having tomorrow off work. What to do? Go to the library? Do some dancing? Pride & Prejudice & Zombies? Cooking? Endless possibilities!! (Actually, I'm probably going to go home and start tidying/packing/throwing away my stuff, and then squeeze something else into the afternoon).

♥  The promise of SPRING! This weekend is going to SUCK, but it's going to be so much warmer starting next week. My marathon training starts next Wednesday. Can't wait to run without feeling so cold!!

♥  Sleeping in! I pulled almost all closing shifts this week... waking up naturally (even at 7:30!) is a luxury that I really treasure. I feel much less worn-out and stressed in the mornings.

♥ Food because FOOD.



I hope that whatever you're doing this week or this weekend, that you have a nice time. Maybe be alone for a while. Maybe be with someone you love. Maybe do both! Maybe love yourself. Maybe eat something delicious, pop a chocolate, take some extra sleep. Maybe cry. Maybe reach out to someone who is crying. Maybe reach out for help. Maybe take a step back from everything. Maybe take a step forward towards something. Maybe hide under the covers and wait for it all to go away.

♥  Be kind to yourself! ♥ 

Things I Love Thursday, Winter Edition

I'm kind of like a love pig, because I'm lovable and wearing pink :)

Happy Thursday, pals!!

This week, nay, this month (and by that I mean everything since 2016 began!) has been a rollercoaster in more ways than I could have ever imagined. How are you holding up? Are things going well? I truly hope so!!

Did you know, the last time I did TiLT, I was in the same situation I am now: housesitting, rocked-but-hopeful, and with great hair. HaHAAAA!!!

This is what's lighting my fire so far in 2016:

♥ Can I still say great hair? I still have great hair. Allow me to be vain for a moment. 

♥ Apartment shopping. Just kidding, I am beginning to LOATH apartment shopping. It's taking ages, is full of rejection and misleading craigslist ads, and is SO EXPENSIVE. But what makes me happy about it is that I am refining my process, and really honing in on what it is that I want from my apartment by honing in on what kind of LIFE I want to live in this imaginary apartment... and that is pretty awesome. I'm thinking more and more about who I want to be and what kind of life I want to live, and no, I won't settle for any old digs that doesn't reflect that! (But I will compromise, because I'm practical! And getting slightly desperate)

♥ Spontaneous happy plans. Someone just texted me and said "Do you want to bake cookies tonight?" DO I?!?!  YES I DO!! Especially awesome since it's going to come on the heels of an apartment showing that has me both excited and nervous (see: vague and potentially misleading Craigslist ads). 

♥ Speaking of my friends, MY FRIENDS!!! Make me so unspeakably happy!! The other day I was talking with a friend and they were talking about how happy they were in life and what an amazing uptick they've had in life and happiness, and I was just so overwhelmed and bursting with joy for them and all I could do was blurt out "I love you!!!" like a huge dork. Ahahahahahaha! I love my friends so much, though, it's true!! See: rad stuff my friends have done recently:

• Sent me a list of amazing, thoughtful discussion questions about life so that I could process a difficult situation, instead of just telling me what to do. So helpful and really changed my approach!! ♥
• Given me a spontaneous gift, just because it reminded me of them. Now wearing it reminds me of you! ♥
• Sent sweet Christmas and New Year's greetings ♥ (I am SO SORRY I am still sending out my own cards... I'm awful at this)
• Cooked for me ♥
• Signed up to run races with me (I'm looking forward to seeing SO MANY friends this running season!)
• Told me silly, clever, and/or inappropriate jokes ♥
• Talked to me when I was sad, patted my head when I cried, and helped push me towards help ♥
• Shared things that made you think, laugh, or feel something. This includes the news that SMAP broke up. I'm sorry James. ♥

♥ Running Oh my goodness running... And working out in general makes me feel both physically and emotionally happy! It freaks the dog and cat out when I'm working out in the living room and breathing really hard, but it's meditative to me! I also love running club, because I get to go outside and chat with folks while taking a nice trot around the city. Last night we ran past places that smelled of PIZZA, WARM DONUTS, and CHICKEN. 

♥ My new job! I work one day a week as an archival assistant now, and I loooooooove it! I do so many different things every day, I'm learning heaps, and everyone is incredibly nice. Plus I get to listen to Classical NPR all day long, hooray!

♥ Shopping. I went to Express the other day to buy this shirt:

because I wanted something funny to wear for the 5K I'm running on ♥ Valentine's Day ♥. When I was in there, I saw this shirt and had to grab it too:

I used to hear a lot that I don't talk very much, or that I don't give away much of my self or my secrets, and that's basically true... because I am not especially close to many people and don't trust many people with my full self. But... when I do trust someone fully and completely... there is no filter. ♥ If you think insane crap comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, just multiply that by 5 and remove some boundaries and social norms :) This is the perfect shirt for me. (Photo shot with the iPhone Transfer filter, because everybody looks better under Transfer) (See, I would never lie to you).

♥ Sirens on Netflix. Have you guys watched Sirens? It's a sit-com about ambulance drivers and it's soooo good. It's snappy and funny and has the requisite host of stereotypical characters, but also is occasionally thoughtful and almost profound. Not in a deep "We are all going to die someday" way, but in more day-to-day life. It also doesn't drag the amusing situations into grotesque and implausible awkwardness just to force a laugh, which I appreciate. 

♥ Doctor Who! I always love Doctor Who, of course, but today I switched it on when I was on the treadmill and BBCAmerica happened to be showing Blink, and a great Jack Harkness episode (classic Russell T. Davies) and I remembered how great Martha is. 

PHEW that's a pretty good list of happy stuff for 2016, don't you think? 

Don't forget to think about what you love and what makes you happy. 

If nothing makes you happy, here is a hilarious joke for all you nerds out there:

BOOM

Punxsutawney Mom

The groundhog didn't see his shadow this year! Early spring is coming!

Well, with global warming, that's to be expected, isn't it?

This year, I didn't see my shadow. And I'm basically a groundhog, you know? Roly-poly, cuddly, adorable, likes to burrow, a brunette.



I also didn't see my mom's shadow.

17 years ago, Groundhog's Day, is the day my mom died.

I don't think about her too much on a day to day basis, but I always think about her in late January and early February. And for a long time, I worried about what she would be thinking of me. Would she be proud of the things I was doing? Would she think less of me, for some of my less-laudable choices? Would she recognize me, if indeed my fantasy that she was not actually dead came true, and she came back from whatever secret base she had been hiding on for the past decade and a half?

Obviously she would be proud, and she would recognize me, and she would forgive me my wrongs, because she is my parent and that's what parents do, and it's a silly thing to worry about because... it'll never come true. The worry never guided my actions in the moment, it was only after, when I was maudlin, when I was approaching that gray day in February. It's just the want to be able to talk to someone, but they're not answering your texts. Except forever.

And just like waiting around for your friend or lover or important person to text you back, it can drive you absolutely mental if you let it.

Anyway, this year, I didn't feel that. I didn't feel the shadow of my parent.

On one hand, I'm a little uncomfortable about that. Shouldn't I remember her more?

On the other hand, I'm ok with, you know, not worrying about it.

Obviously I wish she wasn't dead, and I wish I knew her, but I'm releasing myself, over the years, from being sad about it.

I'm releasing myself from connecting my self-worth to what other people living or dead, might think about me. Instead, I remember people and interact with them with love, from a place of confidence. I want to remember the times when we were happy. I want other people to influence me, but not create me.

This morning before I went on my run, I was texting a friend who advised me to stop running away from my problems and face them. I said that I had, and you could see it on my workout calendar. I had written "Congrats you're not sad anymore" in the margins a few weeks ago. He said that I must now be running towards something amazing (in which case I should stop texting and go run already). I think that's the case. It's a small thing, but to wake up today and not feel sad... it indicates to me that from this year, I am now running to, not from. Not just specific random hurts, but in general. In my whole life. I'm moving forward.

It's not that I've been non-stop sad for the past 17 years, but it's been a largely unresolved issue that has colored a lot of my relationships, connections/disconnects, and abilities to do human interactions and stuff. To release even one more part of that is a joy.



If you've lost someone, it's terrible for a long time. There is a shadow on you, and winter in a part of you. Maybe you'll let it influence you too much. Maybe you'll lock it all away. Maybe you bleed it all out.

I hope it gets better for you. It takes time. Even if you think you've got it figured out, you probably don't, and it takes even more time. Don't worry too much. It's going to be ok. I'm rooting for you.