Hi friends.
I hope your week is going well.
I wasn't sure how to write this list this week, because I've been so emotionally wrung out. Highs and lows took me on a terrible ride the past 4 days, and left me here tonight, spat out on my couch with dry but burning eyes. My confidence fell apart, my health fell apart, my running fell apart, but I am here now, still loving, still together.
I'm fine, everything is fine, I just need a moment to collect before I can move forward.
I think what I love most this week is quiet moments. I made plans three times for tonight... twice the other person cancelled, and I cancelled the final plan. Sometimes I don't know what's best for me -- no, that's not accurate. I know what's best for me, but I can't always follow through. It's hard to say "The best thing for me is to be home, alone, in my pajamas, without talking to anybody" when so much of my time is spent reaching for the exact opposite.
It's not that I don't love my personal time -- I do, I love my personal time, but knowing when it's really necessary when you're having a rough week can be a challenge. I kept getting in the car, and then getting out and walking back inside, confused and frustrated. I wanted to go somewhere, but I didn't know where. I didn't want to be alone with myself. But I'm glad I'm here now, even if it took a while to get here. I'm glad I said No.
My plants are doing pretty well. I like the atmosphere they make.
I kind of wish my stuffed bear would come to life. That would be pretty great. I would feed him zucchini and popcorn, because that's what I have to eat right now, and he would give me a giant hug and not maul me even a little bit.
We're watching silly shows on Netflix and cutting up T-shirts for arts and crafts. (I love arts and crafts). More popcorn for me, bear!
Oh hey also a big shout-out to my bestie friend Lauren who I love very much and who is is kind and wise, and a shout-out to my sweet lovely boss who lets me change my work schedule on the fly when I have things come up, and props to my manager who brought some A-game to me when I couldn't bring it myself, and love to my bestie friend who cooked for me and said kind things when I was beset by sadness, and extra hugs to Purrsia the beautiful sweet kitty.
Also I love the rain.
(except I lost both my umbrellas... that was something I found out at the exact wrong moment).
(Love you anyway, rain).
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Meetnope
I got rejected from a meet-up group earlier this week.
I got rejected from a Jane Austen meet-up group earlier this week.
Couldn't believe it.
JANE AUSTEN.
I was part hurt, part bemused, and part baffled. I'm definitely not the biggest Austen nerd around, but I'd have to say I'm a pretty goddamn big Austen nerd. I thought I had made that relatively clear.
Not being in the club, aayyyyy, I'm pretty OK with that now. If I'm not good enough to talk about Jane Austen with them, well, I probably don't want to anyway. But it was surprising.
And in a weird way, relieving.
A while ago I read that book about being amongst Janeites. Although I enjoyed it, it gave me some unease. Sometimes, I really like being around people who are the same nerd as me. Recently, I talked with someone who had a similar point of reference when it came to the media we grew up with. Instantly I was talking excitedly about old shows we used to watch, and stories we loved, and I felt that heady excitement that I used to feel when I was young. It was a kind of excitement that I rarely experience anymore... not for things I love today, and not for things I used to love. Sometimes, though, that excitement stops there. You can only swoon so many times over the same thing.
Sometimes, I prefer to talk to people who are nerds completely different from me. Recently, I talked with someone who was so nerdy that I had to say "I don't know what that is," and "I don't have the vocabulary to describe it to you." (I was trying to describe about a musical instrument that I knew and they didn't, but they speak music fluently and I don't, so our language was getting crossed and it was getting quite confused). And THAT got me all excited because sometimes, listening to someone else get excited about nerdy stuff they love is just as good as nerding out yourself.
With someone who is the same, I worry that I won't move forward. With someone who is different, I worry that I can't keep up. So I'm not sure if I even wanted to meet with the Austen meet-up people or not, in the end! Maybe it would have been fun for one or two times. Maybe I would have made some friends. Maybe we would have had tea and crumpets, or maybe not and I would have been disappointed. I'm not really hurt by the rejection after all. Even without a group, I still have Austen, and that's the thing I'm really here for.
I got rejected from a Jane Austen meet-up group earlier this week.
Couldn't believe it.
JANE AUSTEN.
I was part hurt, part bemused, and part baffled. I'm definitely not the biggest Austen nerd around, but I'd have to say I'm a pretty goddamn big Austen nerd. I thought I had made that relatively clear.
Not being in the club, aayyyyy, I'm pretty OK with that now. If I'm not good enough to talk about Jane Austen with them, well, I probably don't want to anyway. But it was surprising.
And in a weird way, relieving.
A while ago I read that book about being amongst Janeites. Although I enjoyed it, it gave me some unease. Sometimes, I really like being around people who are the same nerd as me. Recently, I talked with someone who had a similar point of reference when it came to the media we grew up with. Instantly I was talking excitedly about old shows we used to watch, and stories we loved, and I felt that heady excitement that I used to feel when I was young. It was a kind of excitement that I rarely experience anymore... not for things I love today, and not for things I used to love. Sometimes, though, that excitement stops there. You can only swoon so many times over the same thing.
Sometimes, I prefer to talk to people who are nerds completely different from me. Recently, I talked with someone who was so nerdy that I had to say "I don't know what that is," and "I don't have the vocabulary to describe it to you." (I was trying to describe about a musical instrument that I knew and they didn't, but they speak music fluently and I don't, so our language was getting crossed and it was getting quite confused). And THAT got me all excited because sometimes, listening to someone else get excited about nerdy stuff they love is just as good as nerding out yourself.
With someone who is the same, I worry that I won't move forward. With someone who is different, I worry that I can't keep up. So I'm not sure if I even wanted to meet with the Austen meet-up people or not, in the end! Maybe it would have been fun for one or two times. Maybe I would have made some friends. Maybe we would have had tea and crumpets, or maybe not and I would have been disappointed. I'm not really hurt by the rejection after all. Even without a group, I still have Austen, and that's the thing I'm really here for.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Warm-up
I'm writing this as my warm-up to actual writing... hopefully it doesn't turn out to be too self-indulgent! But I want to get my fingers moving, and I am actually going to talk about writing and books and... sort of a follow-up to this week's Things I Love Thursday.
So here we are, or more to the point, here I am. On a couch, alone. There are two cats here with me, but they have claimed the chairs and left me to sprawl my giant human body on the love seat. Ha! Love seat. I love it here.
I'm far out in the country-side, and that's pretty far out, man.
Not a few moments ago, I was in the kitchen, getting my purse on, ready to head out the door. I would have driven to the city, stopped at my apartment, changed into a sparkly purple dress that rarely sees the light of day. Then I would have walked to the light rail, then ridden into Minneapolis for the all-night street and dance party for Prince.
I don't know why I would have done all that. I felt oddly compelled. But I couldn't figure out the reasons.
I started to get confused. What was my motivation? It wasn't to see anyone, I was going alone, telling no-one. I don't especially like crowds and dance parties, although I have enjoyed them in the past, going is always a gamble. I have to work very early tomorrow morning. It will take at least an hour to get to the venue. And, I'm sorry, Prince, but I wasn't the world's biggest fan. Of course I like you and your music, but I wasn't an especial fan. I am just an ordinary enjoyer of your music.
So, still confused, I took off my purse and left it on the floor. I stayed home.
What is this compulsion? I've been feeling it all afternoon, in that space of hearing of the death of a creative and wild person. I want my life to be vital and meaningful, even in a small way.
I think it's the compulsion to create.
My art supplies are at my apartment. My music is there too, and pianos are out of my reach at the moment. I can draw anywhere. I can write anywhere.
I can write here. I can write right now. I can write those things that I wrote two years ago, when I wrote 124 pages of rubbish, and 15 pages of gold. I guess how that's how long it takes to really warm up.
Lately, I picked up The Writer's Tale, which is a book that you'll hear me bang on about with glee, if you just wait around long enough. (I told you there was going to be a bit about books in this entry!) It may seem silly at this juncture, but although I'm not a writer in my blood, I'm inspired to write from time to time. I always thought that writers have a story inside them that is clawing to get out, but maybe that's not the case.
We have characters. And I do have a story, it's the story that I write for myself. I narrate my own life in my head, I have imaginary conversations and construct situations and events that may or may not come to pass... some of them my ideal happy ending, some of them horrifying and dramatic. Almost none of them come to pass, and I think sometimes I get so caught up in what I imagine should happen that I forget to give reality a chance... or I try to live life according to my imaginary script. You can guess how well that goes, I think.
The compulsion to do something, make all this exist somewhere other than inside my head.
Well, I think that's enough. Off I go.
So here we are, or more to the point, here I am. On a couch, alone. There are two cats here with me, but they have claimed the chairs and left me to sprawl my giant human body on the love seat. Ha! Love seat. I love it here.
I'm far out in the country-side, and that's pretty far out, man.
Not a few moments ago, I was in the kitchen, getting my purse on, ready to head out the door. I would have driven to the city, stopped at my apartment, changed into a sparkly purple dress that rarely sees the light of day. Then I would have walked to the light rail, then ridden into Minneapolis for the all-night street and dance party for Prince.
I don't know why I would have done all that. I felt oddly compelled. But I couldn't figure out the reasons.
I started to get confused. What was my motivation? It wasn't to see anyone, I was going alone, telling no-one. I don't especially like crowds and dance parties, although I have enjoyed them in the past, going is always a gamble. I have to work very early tomorrow morning. It will take at least an hour to get to the venue. And, I'm sorry, Prince, but I wasn't the world's biggest fan. Of course I like you and your music, but I wasn't an especial fan. I am just an ordinary enjoyer of your music.
So, still confused, I took off my purse and left it on the floor. I stayed home.
What is this compulsion? I've been feeling it all afternoon, in that space of hearing of the death of a creative and wild person. I want my life to be vital and meaningful, even in a small way.
I think it's the compulsion to create.
My art supplies are at my apartment. My music is there too, and pianos are out of my reach at the moment. I can draw anywhere. I can write anywhere.
I can write here. I can write right now. I can write those things that I wrote two years ago, when I wrote 124 pages of rubbish, and 15 pages of gold. I guess how that's how long it takes to really warm up.
Lately, I picked up The Writer's Tale, which is a book that you'll hear me bang on about with glee, if you just wait around long enough. (I told you there was going to be a bit about books in this entry!) It may seem silly at this juncture, but although I'm not a writer in my blood, I'm inspired to write from time to time. I always thought that writers have a story inside them that is clawing to get out, but maybe that's not the case.
We have characters. And I do have a story, it's the story that I write for myself. I narrate my own life in my head, I have imaginary conversations and construct situations and events that may or may not come to pass... some of them my ideal happy ending, some of them horrifying and dramatic. Almost none of them come to pass, and I think sometimes I get so caught up in what I imagine should happen that I forget to give reality a chance... or I try to live life according to my imaginary script. You can guess how well that goes, I think.
The compulsion to do something, make all this exist somewhere other than inside my head.
Well, I think that's enough. Off I go.
Things I Love Thursday - Life
Today on the radio I heard someone say "Don't pass up the opportunity [to see someone] because you don't know if it will be your last chance".
This week has been a continuation on the theme of up and down. Always I get to choose, how will I be today? What do I want for myself?
I thought about that yesterday. I wrote about it in a letter to a celebrity, my first ever fan mail. What do we choose? What do we make?
What do I love?
What do you love?
I love my best friend.
I love cats.
I love being alive.
I love my creative writing.
I love playing the piano.
I love feeling cared for.
I love feeling protected.
I love pudding.
I love cupcakes.
I love my curly hair.
I love my potential.
This week has been a continuation on the theme of up and down. Always I get to choose, how will I be today? What do I want for myself?
I thought about that yesterday. I wrote about it in a letter to a celebrity, my first ever fan mail. What do we choose? What do we make?
What do I love?
What do you love?
I love my best friend.
I love cats.
I love being alive.
I love my creative writing.
I love playing the piano.
I love feeling cared for.
I love feeling protected.
I love pudding.
I love cupcakes.
I love my curly hair.
I love my potential.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Finishing
Today I finished two books.
It's the first time in a while that I've had the time and space to just... sit... and read.
I finished The Silence of the Lambs, and The Pursuit of Alice Thrift.
Silence was good! I somehow got it in my brain that it would be more... difficult? And intellectual a book than it actually was. Perhaps because they made a film, and it became somewhat classic, and that gave me the impression. Silly impression -- it's a pulpy book. I liked it because it was a quick, interesting read, and it also sent me to Google to look up some of the 80's pop culture and technology references that I didn't understand.
Alice Thrift was good, but I didn't quite understand it. Of course I thought that Ray was a shady character the whole time, but in a weird way, I wanted him to be less shallow about being shady. He diagnosed and cured Alice, briefly, of being incredibly lonely. If he was a villain, I wanted him to be super evil. Instead he was defeated in maybe 10 pages. I liked that Alice was basically a robot who didn't understand people. I liked that Ray helped her out, even if he was a shyster. But what was it supposed to be? A cautionary tale? I was sort of confused about what I should take away from the whole thing.
And now, I've read two of the three books that I brought along with me, and I need new material.
It's the first time in a while that I've had the time and space to just... sit... and read.
I finished The Silence of the Lambs, and The Pursuit of Alice Thrift.
Silence was good! I somehow got it in my brain that it would be more... difficult? And intellectual a book than it actually was. Perhaps because they made a film, and it became somewhat classic, and that gave me the impression. Silly impression -- it's a pulpy book. I liked it because it was a quick, interesting read, and it also sent me to Google to look up some of the 80's pop culture and technology references that I didn't understand.
Alice Thrift was good, but I didn't quite understand it. Of course I thought that Ray was a shady character the whole time, but in a weird way, I wanted him to be less shallow about being shady. He diagnosed and cured Alice, briefly, of being incredibly lonely. If he was a villain, I wanted him to be super evil. Instead he was defeated in maybe 10 pages. I liked that Alice was basically a robot who didn't understand people. I liked that Ray helped her out, even if he was a shyster. But what was it supposed to be? A cautionary tale? I was sort of confused about what I should take away from the whole thing.
And now, I've read two of the three books that I brought along with me, and I need new material.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Things I Love Thursday: Tiny Vacation Edition
I'm writing to you from a house on the river, curled up on the couch with a fluffy cat and a cold glass of water. I'm ready for sleep and it feels so good.
How are you doing? Are you happy? Are you comfortable? Are you calm?
I love the following things...
I love being 30. I wrote the other day to a friend about turning 30, and what it has meant over the past month. I wrote about how good it felt. I wrote about how strong I felt as a person. You might laugh, or think that a number is just a number, and it is. However, it's changed my mindset. I feel like I know myself better. I feel like I deserve more. And I feel like that's attainable for me. As a child, I never imagined what it would be like to be 30, and now, here I am. It's like being a new person.
I love my apartment. It's coming together, piece by piece. I'm comfortable there. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel proud. I'm glad I got it.
That said, I love.... housesitting!! I'm in my all-time favorite housesitting location this next two weeks, watching over two very different but equally lovable kitties, enjoying the beautiful view of the river, and having the chance to visit home to help out a little more often.
Little Free Libraries. I got The Silence of the Lambs the other day and I'm already a quarter of the way through. Sooooo good! Thank you, Little Free Libraries!! Do you have one? Would you like one? You can do it! Spread the book love!
Glam Doll Donuts. Ugh, so delicious...
Quiche!! YUM. Is everything about food? Yes. Yes it is.
My strong legs. I had a small injury, and today I went out running... and it felt good. I missed running. I love running. I love how it feels. I miss it when it's gone. Thank you, legs. Thank you thank you thank you.
Cozy beds! The bed I sleep on tonight has a memory foam topper, mmmmmmm. My bed is pretty great, but I think it needs a topper of some kind to make it perfect and magical.
SWANK DREAMS. Last night, I had the same dream twice in a row. I woke up twice, and thought, "Oh, was it a dream?" and decided that it wasn't a dream. It must be true. It was about reading a very long email/text from someone. I read it twice. I still remember what it said. Then in the morning, I found that it WAS totally a dream... :/ uh... okay. Hunh?!?!?! What does that even mean?!??!?? OH WELL.
Have you had any bogus dreams lately? I hope so. It's fun!
love love love
How are you doing? Are you happy? Are you comfortable? Are you calm?
I love the following things...
I love being 30. I wrote the other day to a friend about turning 30, and what it has meant over the past month. I wrote about how good it felt. I wrote about how strong I felt as a person. You might laugh, or think that a number is just a number, and it is. However, it's changed my mindset. I feel like I know myself better. I feel like I deserve more. And I feel like that's attainable for me. As a child, I never imagined what it would be like to be 30, and now, here I am. It's like being a new person.
I love my apartment. It's coming together, piece by piece. I'm comfortable there. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel proud. I'm glad I got it.
That said, I love.... housesitting!! I'm in my all-time favorite housesitting location this next two weeks, watching over two very different but equally lovable kitties, enjoying the beautiful view of the river, and having the chance to visit home to help out a little more often.
Little Free Libraries. I got The Silence of the Lambs the other day and I'm already a quarter of the way through. Sooooo good! Thank you, Little Free Libraries!! Do you have one? Would you like one? You can do it! Spread the book love!
Glam Doll Donuts. Ugh, so delicious...
Quiche!! YUM. Is everything about food? Yes. Yes it is.
My strong legs. I had a small injury, and today I went out running... and it felt good. I missed running. I love running. I love how it feels. I miss it when it's gone. Thank you, legs. Thank you thank you thank you.
Cozy beds! The bed I sleep on tonight has a memory foam topper, mmmmmmm. My bed is pretty great, but I think it needs a topper of some kind to make it perfect and magical.
SWANK DREAMS. Last night, I had the same dream twice in a row. I woke up twice, and thought, "Oh, was it a dream?" and decided that it wasn't a dream. It must be true. It was about reading a very long email/text from someone. I read it twice. I still remember what it said. Then in the morning, I found that it WAS totally a dream... :/ uh... okay. Hunh?!?!?! What does that even mean?!??!?? OH WELL.
Have you had any bogus dreams lately? I hope so. It's fun!
love love love
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