...is that the right motivation to write again?
Well, tomorrow my course starts up again. To tell the truth, I'm not excited about it, because it's paying a lot of money, and I am still feeling my crisis of confidence and dedication. But I'll always be plagued by doubts and annoyance for not following through if I don't see this degree to the end. Is that good enough reason to do something? I suppose it'll have to be.
There are a lot of things that I want to be involved in because they seem fun, and people seem to enjoy them. For example, Pinterest. Many people link to things there, and I've seen some nice ideas... but as soon as I signed up, I found the whole thing very tedious and boring. So I stopped using it immediately. And twitter. And instagram. And now, this book for my course and some of the extra readings are saying how important it is to be wired in, how reputation is your currency, and how if you are not heading some sort of cool new innovative LinkedIn community, your Klout rating will drop to nothing.
Alright, I agree that reputation is currency and I value my reputation a lot, but I don't understand all of this social media stuff. I read somewhere (Cracked?) that the US Government spent some ridiculous amount of money ("ridiculous" meaning "anything more than ZERO, because that's how much money you SHOULD be spending on such a thing") buying "likes" for its various social media pages and so on.
Well that's just depressing.
Actually, all of the above is depressing to me. I'm so sick of running around in circles saying "Should I be doing this, is that right, I'm just sticking it out, I don't know for sure, what's right for me" and so forth and so on. It's so exhausting and I'm just so annoyed with myself and sick of the whole attitude.
I'm sick of winter, too, I want to go outside, but without making the big effort of going somewhere to do something (like a ski hill, or getting equipment for snow-shoes, or something like that). It's just too cold for me to go outside for no reason. When I can, I'll sit for a bit in the sun to get some Vitamin D, even though I hate the sun.
What do you do to change your attitude?
I put on a temporary tattoo. That was fun for a little bit.
I think it would be fun to change my hair, also.
I read this piece yesterday:
Why patriarchy fears the scissors: for women, short hair is a political statement
(link in giant letters because I like the article so much)
It really resonated with me. Hair can be huge for women (and an even bigger political issue for Women of Color) when placed in the larger context of a sexist society. Read that article.
When I posted this article on Facebook, a friend from Germany made a positive comment, and I had to wonder if hair politics is the same in other countries? When I cut off all my hair, I was in an Asian country that attached a lot of meaning to the gesture. I did it because I was inspired by one of those "shave your head for cancer" things, but many people asked me if I had had some emotional trauma in my life, particularly in my love life. Because of a language barrier (and because I didn't do ANY research about it) I don't know the extent of the sexist / gender role connotations with women's hair in that particular country, only that there was more significance placed on a person's external appearance in terms of their representation of their personal self and internal feelings. How does it work in European countries? What do people think about hair, and women, in South America? In Africa?
Here in the US, I think we are shallower... we are more flippant, more flexible, more likely to change something "just because" we have a whim. This is for everything: hair, clothes, jobs, relationships, homes. This is my opinion. We are more casual. But we are a sexist country. There are countries more sexist than us, of course. We have a lot of freedom as women. But there is still an ingrained casual sexism, an expectation for women to be a certain way, to always come in second. To be pretty. Or else.
I'm lucky to live in a part of the country that is liberal, but not big-city (with all the problems that come along there). I'm also lucky because I have white privilege, and don't suffer all the racism and politics and judgement that comes with how a women of color chooses to wear her hair.
My hair is thick and curly, and I have quite a lot of it at this point. It's a nice color, and you can see that while I'm not outright ginger, I am a carrier of the ginger gene. I'm happy with my hair, and so are a lot of other people around me.
When I cut my hair, I felt disapproval from some people. When I straightened my hair, I felt disappointment from some people. Because somehow they had attached some meaning to my appearance from which they derived happiness or satisfaction, and when I changed it, even temporarily, they were displeased. And they let me know it.
A few weeks ago, I went to get a haircut. Before I went, I had mentioned to some people that I would do it. "Not too short!" one of them said, half joking, but with alarm. I thought No, I won't go very short, but how is that your business?. Not a month before, a stranger had told me I had lovely hair. "Never cut it," he said. Later, I thought None of your business, bud! but at the time, I said "Oh no, of course not", thinking I don't want to face this person's disappointment or disapproval if I ever DO cut my hair off. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?!
On the one hand, I should be perfectly secure and confident in my own choices about how I look, and so should everybody else. On the other hand, that guy needs to BACK THE HECK OFF MY HAIR. Even a kind compliment has a slap sometimes.
So I'm considering all of the above as I think about the fact that (flippantly, shallowly, on a whim) I feel like a change.
What color should I dye it?
