This is me today. It's reached 80F, and I'm so lazy. Where I'm laying, there is no sun, and the breeze is cooling me... It's perfect! But I can see the sun, and hear the birds chirping and cawing. It's perfect.
Today is the second day in my weekend. I got two days off in a row, and on this, the second day, I don't... I don't have to do anything.
It's strange. For so long, I've been doing so much, but today, my running project is over (well not OVER over, but today is a rest day from exercise), my performance project is over, I have no unresolved or outstanding work and job things, no giant household jobs to do, no necessary laundry, no writing projects, my vacation isn't close enough for me to be actively preparing...
I had nothing I needed to do today.
So I stayed out of the sun and made no sudden movements. I ate some food and read some books. I bought some more stakes for the garden.
All the while thinking, "These are mundane things, they are not my true things..." In other words, if I have a day which can be devoted entirely to myself, why is it that I accomplish nothing in particular?
I didn't, for example, say "Ah, now at last I can work on this, my creative soul, by writing this story or making this art journal or making this music!" I didn't read anything new or powerful (well, powerful enjoyable, maybe, just not powerful life-changing). I relaxed, but not with any finesse. There was no pampering, no spa treatment or special day-off luxury to my action. I didn't meet anyone after a long absence, or explore a new place, or do anything in particular that required exertion of any sort.
Are these things necessary though? I don't believe so. I don't feel bad for not being particularly creative or productive on my day off.
These are the days my friend, these are the days.
These summer days.
A few weeks ago I met a friend for ice cream on my way home from the cities. Just to stop, spontaneously, and enjoy ice cream on the street at night was a sweet relief to the rushing around that I do. The long nights driving home from here and there, passing places and people and events and knowing that I have to keep going, keep pushing East, because that's all there is for me most nights... that wears me down. I just feel like a robot, going here and there. People ask me what I'm up to these days, and the answer is always the same: I work, sleep, and run. And none of those things are wholly me. And that's ok, for now.
My best friend told me a story about trying for a new situation, and not being mentally prepared for it, and then being denied access in the end. The second time around she was absolutely certain, and had all her ducks in a row, and found success. Her point was that even if you think you're ready to move forward, you need to acclimate yourself to that idea. If you had success in the first situation, it might still go all wrong and fail because you hadn't yet reached the point where you were OK with the new and unknown. Fear, and struggling to be competent in the face of the unknown, are great motivators to push forward and try your best, but it's fine, even preferable to fail at first, because you are then given the opportunity to solidify your opinions and your will. You can try again with an absolute certainty that you are doing the right thing for yourself, or, you perhaps learn that it wasn't the right thing and you take failure as a blessing.
I whisper "Remember, remember" to myself, because I want to remember what happened to me in the past. I like to jump into things with both feet. Sometimes that's great. Sometimes it isn't. I feel pretty confident these days, though, even when I'm not jumping into anything (like today. I'm jumping into my hammock in about 5 minutes, but that's it!).
You can't step in the same river twice, they say, and that's true, so I can try again and again. But some rivers become oxbow lakes, and all rivers are wet, so remember how it feels to have wet and squishy sneakers for hours, and ask yourself it that's really worth it.
In a few hours I'm going to see someone I haven't seen in a while, and we're going to gossip for ages and plot our next moves in this badass city, and eat izakaya food, and watch a show all glamorous and sparkly.
Perfect summer nights
